Caregiving Both Parents: A Double Whammy

Many people are finding that they’re not only caregiving one parent–but two.

I call that a double whammy. Caregiving at its best is both rewarding and challenging, and caring for two just doubles your rewards and your challenges.

I met Sarah, a retired school teacher at a recent caregiver’s conference. She moved back in with her parents last year (she has 2 siblings but they’re still employed full-time), and she thought having them both in their own home would make things easier. She tries to keep her mom and dad on the same schedule (food, medications, sleeping patterns), but her dad has Alzheimer’s and her mom’s a diabetic who can no longer walk.

Dad has sundowner’s so he’s just getting riled as mom’s settling down.

They have different doctors and it’s difficult to try to coordinate the appointments. Even their med times don’t match up. Dad keeps slipping out the back door (she just got a house alarm to hopefully help alert her when he’s on the lamb), and mom’s showing signs of depression.

“Help!” she said after I finished my presentation. “I feel like my head’s going to explode!”

Here are some suggestions for those who are caring for two:

• Get help. Don’t try to fly solo on this one. You need two sets of hands for your mom and your dad. Check with your  elder-affairs office to get a list of local resources. (Each state has one)
• Enlist those siblings and extended relatives! I don’t care if they live 500 miles away. Put your foot down and insist on help. They can pay for an over-night sitter so you can get some sleep. It’s the least they can do to help out if they’re not physically able to pitch in. Ask for help–from your church, your community, and from your neighborhood. People need to feel needed and if you’re caring for two, you certainly have needs!
• Forget about the inheritance. Get that durable power of attorney signed while your parents are “with it” enough to sign it and use your parent’s money to help them. It’s the best use of their savings–and it’ll leave less for the siblings to fight over. Trust me, your health (and mental health) bills will cost far more than you’ll ever inherit.
• Check into care homes in your area. It’s a misnomer that you have to sell your parent’s house in order to quality for MediCare. Find out your state’s guidelines by asking various homes for a break down in cost and coverage. It’s very likely you won’t be able to keep both of them at home long-term. Begin to make plans and know what’s available to you.
• Don’t try to do it all. Covering the basics of food, meds, and doctor appointments will keep you hopping. So what if the house is a wreck and dad’s wearing the same shirt three days in a row. Do the best you can and prioritize. Let the rest go.
• Find out about respite care. I know the concerns: they won’t like the person, they’ll get off schedule, you’ll worry the whole time. That’s all true, but you still need a break–and you may find that much to your surprise, your parents will like having a new person around and might even be on their best behavior.

Caregiving both parents isn’t easy, but it is a privilege.

It means you still have your mom and dad with you–and you’re allowing them to be together as long as possible. That’s a gift.