Caregiver Tips for Easy Outings with Mom or Dad

Errand day with your elder can be exhausting, take forever, and not be the easiest thing for a caregiver to pull off. When my mom “gave up” driving (that’s the way she put it–I considered laying in front of the car so she would no longer drive, but I think she would have gunned it…just kidding). I knew that I became my mom’s personal manager. I had to either arrange for all her needs to be met, or do them myself.

And boy, did my mom have needs! The moment she knew I’d be driving her around, I suddenly became “ERRAND GIRL!” No caregiver could ever complete this list in one day! I would drive over to my mom’s house after the girl’s went to school, and my mom would meet me at the door with a list long enough to reach the floor. I had already unloaded the dishwasher, fed three kids, straightened the house, made a half dozen business related calls, filled up the car with gas, and driven a half hour to get her–all by 10am.

My mom had the whole day planned out–a couple of doctor visits, K Mart, shoe repair, the bank, lunch at Krystal’s, stop by her cousin’s house to pick up something, then to the grocery store. No way I could do all that and not keel over, much less my mother who had Parkinson’s!

Over time, I learned how to manage those jam-packed day–and I learned how to figure out just how much she could do, and how much I could do.

Tips for Easy Outings with Mom or Dad:

• Some people like errands, especially women who think of it as shopping. Don’t shoot her down. She may have looked forward to this all week. Even if you know you two can’t possibly do it all, let her (or him) feel the joy and anticipation of the day.
• Plan around the current “mode of transportation.” What I mean is that if your mom uses a walker at home, but refuses to out in public–don’t force her to. This transition is difficult. If your dad likes the power scooter, don’t insist he walk through a large store–let him do what he is accustomed to.
• If those darn superstores are impossible for your elder to navigate (the cat food is a good half-mile from the bread), then shop at a smaller store. CVS or Walgreen’s became much more manageable than a WalMart Super Center, and my mom enjoyed the smaller aisles.
• If your day is filled with doctor appointments, then slide in a little fun. Eating an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen is a good way to end a “medical” day. You don’t want to return home with bad news–and even if it’s just a check-up, doctors remind us of what’s wrong, not what’s right with us. Counter it with a little bit of fun.
• Be present in the car. Car talk is a great time to catch up. Hold hands, bring a pillow for their back or feet, and really use this time to visit. Don’t let your mind wander to the rest of your life. This is their time.
• If you know that there’s no way you can fit in all they have planned, trust that they’ll “poop-out” before the end of the day. If they don’t, then you can speak up and say, “I’m beat. My feet are killing me. I just can’t go one more place today.” They may pout, but they may also be relieved. Like buffets, sometimes our plans are bigger than our ability.
• Don’t try to pack in your errands with theirs. I learned this the hard way. My mom fully intended that errand day was her day–not mine. I learned to let go and not try to squeeze my shopping in with hers. We all need a few hours that’s just about us. It wasn’t nearly as frustrating when I let go of the idea that I could multi-task. Sometimes it’s nice just to focus on one thing at a time.
• Make your entrances and exits a big deal. If your parent is still living alone or in a care home, enter with open arms and a smile. Tell them it’s good to see them, that they’re looking good. End the day with a hug and assure them you’ll call. Remind them of when you’re coming over next. We all need something to look forward to. My mom used to stand in her driveway and wave to me until I was down the street and around the corner. Then, I’d call five minutes later to make sure she got back inside. It was so sweet to see her standing there, waving and blowing me kisses.

By planning ahead, choosing to be present and to be in pleasant mood, and deciding to enjoy the day, outings with my mom became something both of us looked forward to.